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On the funny side

Got a letter from Grandma the other day. She writes.....

The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a
"honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker.

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come
from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer
meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought
about the Lord and how good He is and I didn't notice that the light had
changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't
honked, I'd never have noticed.

I found that LOTS of people love Jesus! Why, while I was sitting there,
the guy behind me started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his
window and screamed, " For the love of God, GO! GO! GO! Jesus Christ, GO! "
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking!

I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these
loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling
something about a " sunny beach....", I saw another guy waving a funny way
with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my teenage grandson
in the back seat what that meant, he said that is was probably a Hawaiian
good luck sign or something! Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii,
so I leaned out the window and gave him the " good luck sign " back.

My grandson burst out laughing........ why, even he was enjoying this religious
experience!

A couple of people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out
of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask
what church I attended , but this is when I noticed the light had changed.

So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning and drove on through the
intersection. I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before
the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them all after all
the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave
them all the " Hawaiian good luck sign " one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!

GRANDMA

HAVE YOU EVER THOUGHT.........

* Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations, when smoking is prohibited there?
* Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment,
but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
* Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
* Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down 
the volume on the radio?
* Why does my speedometer measure speeds well beyond the engine's performance
and over the maximum legal limit?


EXPLANATIONS FOR SPEEDING......
(not sure if actual true statements) 

* I need to get to the gas station before the fuel runs out.
* Thank heavens officer, I thought the flashing blue light chasing me was a UFO.
* My shoes have just been resoled and I'm not used to the extra weight.
* I was in a complete daze because I've got a new air freshener in my car.
* I was trying to reach my destination before Dr. Laura came on the radio.
* I was trying to make up the hour we lost when the clocks went forward.



ACTUAL STATEMENTS MADE BY DRIVERS INVOLVED IN ACCIDENTS ON THEIR INSURANCE CLAIM FORMS.... 
(Unbelievable but true, these statements are NOT fictional, every statement you are reading was given in writing as cause for the accident.) 

* I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
* A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
* In an attempt to kill a fly I drove into a telegraph pole.
* The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
* I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother in law's face and headed over the embankment.
* I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up,
obscuring my vision and I did not see the car.
* My car was legally parked as I backed into the other vehicle.
* As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no "Stop" sign had ever appeared before.
I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
* To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
* An invisible car came from nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
* I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat I found that I had a fractured skull.
* I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
* Coming home I drove into the wrong drive and collided with a tree I don't have.
* The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.
* I had one eye on a parked car, another on approaching Ziggy's and another on the woman behind.

God and Davidson

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St.Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven." Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, " I want to hang out with God." St.Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God. God recognized Arthur and commented," Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley Davidsen motorcycle?" Arthur said, " Yep, that's me". God said," Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and polluting and can't run without a road?" Arthur was apparently embarrased, but finally he said, " Excuse me, but aren't You the inventor of woman?" God said, "Yes." "Well," said Arthur, " professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions;
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much;
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;
5. And the maintenance costs are enormous!"
" Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there, " replied God, "Hold on". God went to His Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it. "Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."

A Father's Wisdom

A young man had just gotten his driver's license and inquired of his father, if they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son. "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we'll talk about the car."

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, "Son, I've been real proud. You brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm real disappointed you haven't gotten your hair cut."

The young man paused a moment then said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there's even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair."

To this his father replied, "Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?"